Judith & William
The Situation
Judith and William are experiencing some rough years in their marriage. It’s the second marriage for both. Trust is an issue. A surviving spouse has special rights to inherit in probate law. The couple wants to make sure that their respective children receive some of their separate assets upon death, and they did not sign a prenuptial agreement that would have ensured this. How can they make sure their children from their first marriages will benefit from the assets accumulated during their first marriages?
The Resolution
Mediation brings clarity. A third party seems to allow them to be honest with each other. For the first time, they’re talking about money in an open way. Judith and William hadn’t known there was a way that their children could be protected and also their support and financial commitment to each other can be confirmed. A postnuptial agreement is put in place that calls for the asset split upon death between their children and each other. That settled, the marriage begins to rebound. They remember why they picked each other and why they have stayed together 10 years and counting.
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Brian & Nedra
The Situation
Brian has always been the entrepreneurial type. Just out of one business and on the verge of starting another, he needs to borrow money off his $1.2 million retirement account to go forward. His wife Nedra, increasingly wary of risk, wishes he would end this phase of his career and find something more stable. She is resisting this new venture, making Brian feel wounded and emotionally distant. They are talking about divorce.
The Resolution
At the start, the mediator makes sure not to advise. After some time listening, she believes she sees the makings of a compromise. The resulting agreement allows Brian access to retirement account funds, while transferring a larger percentage of their shared property, including their home and securities accounts, to Nedra. The mediation in this case was a mix of counseling, problem-solving, and sound financial planning.
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Stacey & David
The Situation
Stacey has a way with home decor, but this time David thinks her plans are too extravagant. She wants to renovate 6 of 8 rooms in the family home at once, and David, the breadwinner, has stated over and over that they can’t sensibly afford it. Stacey feels he is constraining her, and that her talents are being insulted as money-wasting follies. David can’t stop thinking about how different they are when it comes to finances, maybe too different.
The Resolution
Without a mediator, they hadn’t found the opening for a solution, but soon into mediation, they are hearing each other out for the first time. While the mediator steers the conversation in the right direction, it is Stacey and David themselves who actually come up with the agreement. She gets to create a beautiful home – but one room at a time. In fact, only when a project is completed will David release funds for the next phase. The key in this mediation process was a deepening of understanding of the spouses for one another. David began to see how important the renovations were to Stacey’s self-esteem. Even more critical, he realized how much pleasure the decorated home has provided him. No one but Stacey could have made it so perfect. Meanwhile, Stacey had a clearer picture of how numerous financial outlays were putting pressure on David and hurting their long-term prospects for stability, both fiscal and otherwise.
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Mark & Sally
The Situation
Initially, Mark and Sally lived in the newly-wed fairy-tale dream. Everything was going perfectly. He was almost finished with law school. She was finishing up her graduate degree in art history. Loving and supportive of one another, they made their plans for “happily ever after” and had a big wedding. Soon, however, they began to notice all the little differences between them. Cute habits became annoying behaviors. Every interchange became a battle. The constant bickering affected every aspect of their lives, including their bedroom. Disillusioned, they tried marital counseling, but were unable to break the bad patterns they had developed. Can they regain the acceptance and respect they once had for one another?
The Resolution
The first few years of a marriage are a very intense period of adjustment. It’s very common for the couple to learn differences about each other and encounter extreme bouts of negativity that they never imagined possible. A newly married couple (and any married couple, for that matter) should try anything at their disposal. Sometimes marriage counseling does not work. It does not mean that the marriage is over or that the counseling was insufficient or even that marriage counseling may not work at a future time. Couples need to try different things at different times in order to break the log jam of disillusionment. Mediation to Stay Married may help break the impasse. The mediator will explain to Mark and Sally that, just like a new hobby, learning how to be married is a learnable skill. She will teach them conflict resolution skills that they can begin to practice. She will provide books and other helpful resources. She may even advise Mark and Sally to try counseling again (perhaps with a different therapist) which they may now find a very positive and healing experience.
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George & Lucy
The Situation
George and Lucy have a good life. They have two healthy children. They have each enjoyed steady employment for years. Lucy works for the state government, and George has been employed in a small business. However, in the last five years, the business has experienced setbacks, and two years ago the business closed its doors, leaving George without a job. Since his job loss, George accrued many bills that he paid by credit card, sinking Lucy and the family deep into debt. The couple paid off the credit card bills with a home equity line of credit and do not wish to borrow any more, but they are still struggling. Family finances are very slim. George is looking for a job. Both he and Lucy are getting frustrated by the situation. For the first time in their marriage, they are contemplating divorce.
The Resolution
After their first Mediation to Stay Married meeting, George and Lucy realize that they need to give each other full disclosure on their financial situation. Working with the mediator gives them the opportunity to talk through all of their possible options. With the help of the mediator, they decide to put off the decision to sell their house while they jointly consult with a bankruptcy attorney, who can explain to them some of the rules pertaining to one spouse’s responsibilities for the other spouse’s debts. During the process, Lucy expresses concern about the pace of George’s job search. The mediator refers the couple to an employment counselor to help George to find options for someone with his experience. George realizes that his age will mean an up-hill battle to find work. He and Lucy work with the mediator to create a timeline to follow and develop alternative financial plans. Together, with the guidance of Mediation to Stay Married, George and Lucy weather the storm as they find way to navigate a new course to financial stability and marital peace.
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Patrick & Aimee
The Situation
Patrick and Aimee always prided themselves on being able to work things out, but in the last two years, conflicts in their marriage have noticeably intensified. Complicating the matter, they have four children. Aimee is a stay-at-home spouse, and Patrick earns just enough money to pay their expenses. Now they’ve come to a point that they never thought they would: contemplating divorce. But, neither is sure about it. They decided to talk with someone who has experience with both married couples and divorced couples, a lawyer who specializes in marital mediation.
The Resolution
Mediation to Stay Married provides much needed information. Patrick and Aimee get a financial picture of what their divorce might look like financially. It would be impossible to support their children and themselves. They realize that if they get divorced, they will now have two issues instead of one – their personal problems and the divorce. Informed and committed to utilizing some new relationship tools, the coupled concludes Mediation to Stay Married with newfound hope and intention, and get their marriage back on track. After all, they once loved each other – why not again?