Marital Mediation: How to Use Mediation to Help Couples Stay Married
A Two-Day Interactive Mediation Training
Laurie Israel, Lawyer/Mediator
Israel, Van Kooy and Days, LLC., Brookline, MA
Day One – Friday
8:30 Each trainee introduces herself or himself.
9:00 What exactly is mediation? Generate definitions from participants.
What is Marital Mediation?
What question does each trainee have about marital mediation?
Has anyone practiced marital mediation?
Has anyone thought about practicing marital mediation?
Has anyone had a divorce mediation (or collaborative divorce) that turned into a reconciliation?
Generate reasons pro (and con) allowing a mediator to mediate marriages.
Discuss role play materials – how to generate.
9:40 Examination of literature and websites helpful to marital mediators:
Giving reading assignments to marital mediation clients.
The Relationship Handbook, George Pransky.
Taking the War Out of Our Words, Sharon Strand Ellison.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Quick look online at the web resources and references specifically referencing marital mediation.
National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.
Imago – Hendrix.
NextphaseLegal.com
10:10 Marital mediation –the importance of having a neutral to moderate or mediate the discussion.
Neutral, unbiased – discuss experiences in mediation.
Zen mind, beginner’s mind. What does this have to do with it?
Hand-out “What They Are Really Saying” page 7 materials.
Discussion of Transformative, evaluative, and facilitative mediation –
Where does Marital Mediation fit in.
What is facilitation v. mediation?
Mediating in the shadow of the law.
Opinions (or information) of possible outcomes?
Is the law important in mediation?
Is the law important in marital mediation?
The rules of divorce.
Informing clients about what happens if they divorce.
Mediator’s role: providing legal information (permitted) vs. legal advice (not permitted)
10:40 First Marital Mediation Session and Role Play.
A. How to start the first marital mediation session.
Think about and provide techniques for the first session.
The importance of starting slowly.
Techniques for clients between sessions.
B. ROLE PLAY # 1: The Kliffmyers: This is the third mediation session (i.e., this is the third time the parties have met with the mediator. In the first two sessions, many facts and issues have been brought to the table.
1.The Kliffmyers have some difficult financial issues.
2. There are also some annoying pattern – stuff in attic, packing for trip – that bother them.
Is Tom a hoarder? Does Amy pack too much for each trip?
Two participants will be Amy and Tom Kliffmyer. A third will be the mediator. A fourth participant will be the observer and write notes, and may interrupt at times with helpful comments.
Meet back to discuss what came up in the role play session.
11:30 How to obtain clarity in communications.
Slowing up the communication process.
The power of having a third party in the room.
Eli Weisel – the power of “witness”.
The problems in spousal communication, even for people in long-term marriages.
Opportunities for truthfulness
Techniques developed from Sharon Strand Ellison – Taking the War Out of Our Words.
A Role Play from Sharon Strand Ellison’s book. (Mena and Todd – practice Mena’s powerful nondefensive question
12:15 to 1:15 Lunch
1:15 Marital Mediation Power Point (aimed at new practitioners)
Marital Mediation Power Point (aimed at groups and potential clients)
Anonymous generation of marital issues in a group presentation setting as a technique for discussion.
Read samples from Women in Science presentation.
1:45 The Post-Marital (Postnuptial) Agreement
Part I.
What is it? Is it enforceable? Does it matter? Dangers for the mediator.
What if clients move to another state?
Differences between premarital and postnuptial agreement.
Treatment by different states – look it up in your state.
Ansin v. Craven-Ansin (Mass. SJC)
American Law Institute material on Marital Agreements.
Consideration not required per ALI section 7.01(4).
Benefits of having and not having a postnuptial agreement.
Review by outside attorneys.
Dangers of unfairness.
Is binding arbitration “binding”?
2:30 ROLE PLAY # 2: (fourth mediation session).
Amy thinks it will be a good idea to renovate the garage so she can embark on an independent graphics arts business and make money. Tom feels she is not sympathetic to his parents. Each of them feels the other is not doing “enough”. Tom as some plans that may improve his business, but hasn’t discussed them with Amy.
Meet back to discuss what came up in the role play sessions.
3:30 The Elephant in the Room: How and when do you bring up difficult subjects?
Mediator as truthteller: opportunities and dangers.
Material on infidelity. Experiences in your mediation practices.
What are some techniques for transformation?
What is a Spousal Waiver or a Spousal Amnesty (airplane bag scenario).
4:15 ROLE PLAY #3: Fifth mediation session. Secrets. He has a credit card he’s been using to supplement finances, and it’s tapped out. She’s attracted to her yoga teacher. Use of “Nonviolent Communication” techniques.
Meet back to discuss what came up in the role play sessions.
4:45 Practice your “elevator” talk on Marital Mediation.
Day Two — Saturday.
8:30 Questions from yesterday’s session.
Examples of marital counseling v. marital mediation.
How to respond to questions from psychotherapists and others.
How not to practice psychotherapy without a license.
Powerpoint, — Marital Mediation v. Marital Therapy or Marital Counseling.
Practicing the “elevator talk” when you are asked that second question: “What is the difference between marital mediation and marital counseling?”
9:00 What are caucuses? Page 17 materials.
Should marital mediation include caucuses, and if so when?
How to deal with infidelity, actual or emotional.
Gender and sexual orientation issues.
9:30 “Hot Speech” and how to control it in a mediation session.
ROLE PLAY # 4 (sixth mediation session): “Hot Speech” and techniques for the mediation to curb it.
He’s angry at her non-participation in making a living. She’s angry at his secret credit card, and keeping the issues arising at his work from her.
Research in Screening factors predicting marital failure or success and why they might be important for the clients to know about.
10:10 Helping marriages with estate planning and real estate.
Helping marriages with asset protection.
When to refer to (or call in) a specialist.
What is a neutral specialist?
10:30 Break
10:45 What happens when one spouse wants marital mediation and the other spouse wants a divorce. Going from divorce mediation into marital mediation. Circumstances. Does it work?
Going from marital mediation to divorce mediation. Can you do this? Ethical issues?
11:00 ROLE PLAY # 5: This is the seventh mediation session.
Tom wants Amy to get an advance on her inheritance. Amy’s heard of postnuptial agreements, and wants to isolate her inheritance as her separate property.
Meet back to discuss what came up in the role play sessions.
12:15 to 1:15 Lunch
1:15 The Post-Marital (Postnuptial) Agreement
Part II.
How to begin.
The term sheet – guesses, issues for discussion.
Drafting making guesses, options in the draft. “For discussion only”
Guiding the process.
The importance of the Statement of Facts provision.
Examination of clauses in sample actual agreements.
Can you have an alimony waiver?
Can you have a fixed child support or child custody provision?
Drafting a sample clause to address a problem the couple wants to solve in the Agreement.
Participants generate a topic for a clause.
Enforceability v. non-enforceability.
Dangers for the mediator.
2:00 ROLE PLAY #6: (eighth mediation session)
Tom and Amy discuss what to do about Tom’s business and his obligations towards his parents. They discuss how to fund the rest of their children’s college education. They discuss Amy’s reentry into the job market and the possibility of closing down his business and getting a job.
Meet back to discuss what came up in the role play sessions.
3:00 Break
3:15 Power Point – “Driving your Spouse Crazy”.
How to write about marital mediation without violating privacy of clients.
3:45 Practicalities:
How long and how often do you meet? What to charge clients. How to manage retainers.
How to develop and market your marital mediation practice.
Developing your website.
Google Analytics
Google Alerts
Giving presentations to groups.
Creating and posting PowerPoints.
Writing articles. Where to publish.
Having mediation organizations include marital mediation as an area of practice.
4:30 Present Completion Certificates to Attendees.
Provide written comments and evaluation to trainer.